end of 2006

so many definitions have changed. i find myself saying the exact same things i used to say but now meaning something entirely different. here are some of the words i have redefined in 2006...

need
church
Christian
faith
unity
Truth

let's just pick one... 'faith'

old definition of faith: believing that the bible is true; believing certain sentences in my brain such as 'jesus is the son of God and he takes away the sins of the world'; believing that God would answer my prayers; attending church; knowing how to get into heaven and roughly knowing who would and wouldn't make the cut;

my new definition is much harder to put into words. it's more of an awareness than a logical sentence. i'll use some of michael yaconelli's title chapters to help me.

new definition of faith: dangerous wonder; risky curiosity; wild abandon; daring playfulness; wide-eyed listening; irresponsible passion for Christ.

my old definition of faith felt much safer. and i must confess that it was my insecurities, ironically my lack of faith, that kept me believing it.

i tried to believe so many things.. i really did. but i suppose if your trying to believe something then you don't really believe it at all.

preggas :)

i am pregnant

tear...
smile...
breathe...

i am a walking miracle.
God is moving inside me...
forming, moving, creating
right now as i sit at this computer.

i have never been so aware of how miraculous i am. my body takes bits of carrot and spinach and turns them into retinas and brain cells. i am smarter than einstien's conscious knowledge. i am more creative than van gogh. i have never felt so amazing, so proud, so clever, so powerful.

but at the same time...
i have absolutley no idea what's going on. i feel completely out of control. my body is doing the wierdest things with no consultation of my conscious brain what so ever. there's an alien living inside me leeching me of vitamins, minerals, calcium, and if i don't sleep enough it feels like it's leeching the living day lights out of me. the pain of labour looms like a time bomb. i have never felt so lost, so out of control, so completely powerless.

and somehow in the paradox of power and surrender is the most beautiful thing we have ever done.

so many times i come to this page wanting to blog, but of late it seems non of my experiences worth noting have fitted english words.

i want to blog because i know it's good for me. it brings some mental order, some cognitive equilibrium, it helps me make sense, or at least helps me believe i've made sense.

but somehow the words i use are never very accurate and they never really describe the way connect with the world. the order of my life seems better described through the cellular structure of a sprouting seed than these funny little lines and shapes called letters.

i try to write about God but somehow He is always on the other side of the next sentence and never quite summed up in the last.

beautiful spring morning.
hubby at work.
all is well, except for the massive 9 legged huntsman that's asleep in the hallway.

'it's ok' i tell myself in my best reassuring voice, 'i'm a mature adult, it's one thousandth my size, it's asleep and the poor thing is disabled (9 legs)'. i've even named it 'Herman' because naming your fears makes them less scary.

so far the mornings going well. i'm feeling proud that i'm not being ruled by fear. i've even done a little relaxed reading.

but the tensions rising. i need to pee and Herman's blocking my way to the loo...

albert einstein

the most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. it is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. a knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. in this sense, and only this sense, i am a deeply religious man... i am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvellous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature.

the opposite of love is not hate...
it is indifference.

albert einstein

"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us 'universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

every blog i have posted since we've come home i've deleted. maybe this is why?

Home Now

After being home for a couple of weeks now we are readjusting to this life again. We have been left moved by our journey over the past six months and seem to have more questions than answers at this stage. We want to work in development or but are unsure how to go about it. Part of us wants to just wade in somewhere and get stuck in, while another part wants to further study and get a job in the development field. Either way it seems exciting.

'i'm leaving on a jet plane...'

26 hours and counting
can't wait to see you beautiful perth
beautiful friends
beautiful family
beautiful home.