Sunday, December 31, 2006

end of 2006

so many definitions have changed. i find myself saying the exact same things i used to say but now meaning something entirely different. here are some of the words i have redefined in 2006...


let's just pick one... 'faith'

old definition of faith: believing that the bible is true; believing certain sentences in my brain such as 'jesus is the son of God and he takes away the sins of the world'; believing that God would answer my prayers; attending church; knowing how to get into heaven and roughly knowing who would and wouldn't make the cut;

my new definition is much harder to put into words. it's more of an awareness than a logical sentence. i'll use some of michael yaconelli's title chapters to help me.

new definition of faith: dangerous wonder; risky curiosity; wild abandon; daring playfulness; wide-eyed listening; irresponsible passion for Christ.

my old definition of faith felt much safer. and i must confess that it was my insecurities, ironically my lack of faith, that kept me believing it.

i tried to believe so many things.. i really did. but i suppose if your trying to believe something then you don't really believe it at all.

Monday, December 18, 2006

preggas :)

i am pregnant


i am a walking miracle.
God is moving inside me...
forming, moving, creating
right now as i sit at this computer.

i have never been so aware of how miraculous i am. my body takes bits of carrot and spinach and turns them into retinas and brain cells. i am smarter than einstien's conscious knowledge. i am more creative than van gogh. i have never felt so amazing, so proud, so clever, so powerful.

but at the same time...
i have absolutley no idea what's going on. i feel completely out of control. my body is doing the wierdest things with no consultation of my conscious brain what so ever. there's an alien living inside me leeching me of vitamins, minerals, calcium, and if i don't sleep enough it feels like it's leeching the living day lights out of me. the pain of labour looms like a time bomb. i have never felt so lost, so out of control, so completely powerless.

and somehow in the paradox of power and surrender is the most beautiful thing we have ever done.