Sunday, May 06, 2007

"do you think she knows she's in a sacred universe?"
"i think that's all she knows."

Friday, May 04, 2007

Birth Recount Two

Here’s an excerpt from my diary on the 25th April…

‘woke up to the sound of beautiful rain. Beautiful rain inside me… awake! Waters are sort of breaking, clock check – 4.15am

Try to go back to sleep… waiting for the next contraction – have three but can’t sleep – happy, excited, waiting. 5am get up.

Do dishes.

Casey gets up… goes back to sleep.

5.35 he gets up again, comes out dressed… excited too… peaceful happy.

He vacuums the rug while I hold the pool.

He blows up the pool.

He deflates the pool.

The pool has a puncture – small.

Casey patches puncture.

Pool now sits beside me – wilted, like an old blue capsicum.

Now what… wait. So much waiting!!

6.17 sky turns from black to navy.

Watched ANZAC service on TV. I am so glad we are in Australia ;) sniff.

Went to beach… ummm fresh air. Take away brekkie.

Powerderfinger playing on TV ANZAC service. Go aussie!

Casey takes Jarra to park.

Called Jill about 10am.

She came round to check baby heart rate. All good. She leaves her little machine so we can keep checking it though out the day.

12am Krissy and Jenna come around to pick up their shoes. I go to Ocean Reef Marina with them to walk up and down the big steps – lets get these contractions cranking. It works. The first contraction hits as I’m saying good-bye to them – 1pm.

2pm (handwriting getting messy)

Starting to zone out when they hit their peak – but that bit only last for a few seconds. Seem to be coming every few minutes.’

That’s where my journal entry for the 25th April finishes… I’ll fill you in on the rest.

Jill (the midwife) came round about 3pm. Tam (the doula) came round not long after.

The only position I wanted to be in was on my knees leaning forward. By about 5pm I my back was getting really sore and I felt like I couldn’t hold this position much longer so we fill up the pool. Arrrrrrr…. I sink in… sooo good.

I’m facing Casey most of the time. He’s sitting in a fit ball leaning forward looking at me. He’s so strong and reassuring. I know he has great faith in me. (Verse One of poem.) The contraction are strong but I am amazed at how they completely disappear so I can rest. I also manage to find a moment of stillness in between each breath even when the contractions are happening.

As the contractions get stronger I start to feel overwhelmed (Verse Two). I turn to Tam and realise that she has given birth to four children. I am so impressed that women all over the world can do this. This is probably the most uncomfortable part of the labour for me. Jill asks if I want an internal but I decline… what if I’m only 3cm dilated? I can only deal with the very present moment.

Finally the pushing stage. Once I got the hang of it this stage was actually quite good. Incredibly intense and painful but there was actually so many feelings happening all at once, that it was easy to ignore the pain. And I soon figured out that the harder I pushed the more Danika’s head seemed to numb everything. And there was that – I could now feel her head!

Large parts of my brain definitely shut down (and are only just slowly coming back to me). I remember the midwife asking me to move forward in the pool so she could see better, but I had no idea what she meant. I remember thinking that I hoped she didn’t think I was being rude ignoring her, but I just couldn’t compute the instruction.

The midwife thought she could see black hair… a little bit more of it poked out with every contraction. Casey could see her. I planned on gently ‘breathing’ her out at this stage so I wouldn’t tear, but that hurt too much so I just pushed with all my might… and out she popped!

Casey caught her and she opened her eyes underwater. Her cord was wrapped like a scarf under her arms and around the back of her neck, not dangerous but it made passing her to me a little awkward. I was on the biggest high of my life. She had a feed whilst on my chest and then Casey cut the cord.

Danika Moana Anne Ellery was born at 9.55pm weighing 3.9kg (8 lbs 10 oz).

Overall the birth a positive and absolutely incredible experience.

ok... it's been 9 days.
i think i'm ready to try and put words to the most incredible experience of my life so far... the birth of Danika.

the first post is kind of a recount of the birth experience from my perspective, the second post is a recount from how the rest of the world would have seen it.

Birth Recount One

Verse one

River flows over me

Calm, warm and strong

I rest in my lover’s arms

Strong and still

Strong and still

I look up from the river, across the grass and into the trees

The lion is waiting, calmly watching from afar

Its giant paws tread softly on the grass

Verse two

I kneel in the river. I look up. The lion is distant.

The lion and eye make I contact. My soul quakes.

I crawl towards him.

Right arm forward, left knee forward.

He mirrors me.

Left paw forward, right paw forward.

I stop. He stops.

With trepidation I move again.

Left arm forward, right knee.

Right paw, left paw.

He mirrors me.

The distance is closing.

Desperately I wish to turn away, but am captivated be his gaze.

I am drawn forward. My body crawls on without my permission. God be with me.

I imagine the talons in those paws, the teeth in that mouth. I shudder.

But when I look all I see is deep golden eyes.

The distance is closing.

And still the lion mirrors my every move forward.

Ten metres. The grass is soft beneath us.

Seven metres. I am terrified. God, give me courage.

Four metres. Stop, I plead, but my body ignores me. God give me strength.

Two metres. Stop, I beg. My head drops and I crumble in tears. But my body crawls on, inch by inch. I am helpless. I am lost. God…

I close my eyes and go to another place.

God meets me.

In his beautiful hands he carries a burning rod of fierce courage.

One metre

‘God I need courage’ I ignore what he carries. I can not handle it.

Without speaking he reminds me that courage and fierceness are one the same. One the same.

Half a metre. I am petrified.

‘God I need courage!’ I scream at him.

Quarter metre.

Nose to nose

I close my eyes in silent fear. God’s hand moves towards me, my fear is only matched by desperation. I plead for what he holds. He reaches into my soul.

I wince and curl in pain as I feel the light of courage, first in the depths of my body then through my every single cell. Fierce strength pulsates through my veins.

I gulp and eyes wide open. I stare eye ball to eye ball at the lion and I realise… that.. the lion is me.

The lion is me.

The strength, the power, the energy, the intensity of which I was so afraid, is me. It is my body, it is my soul, it is my emotion.

The lion walks onward. Giant paws on soft grass. Fierce courage pulsating through it’s veins. The lion is not afraid. Each contraction brings only new depth to it’s growl.

Verse Three

I come back to my lover.

I am human again, but somehow altered

I look in his eyes and laugh at the pain to show him I’m OK.

His love and God’s love is all around me, is all I know.

I cannot speak but with my eyes I smile, “You have got to be kidding me!” Who on earth came up with this plan?!

I say it to him and I say it to my saviour as if they are one the same.

As if they are one.

And then with the final push, my wrecked, wrinkled and empty body gushes open

And my daughter is born

My daughter is born

Time stands still

For 45 minutes I am overcome with the bliss of feeling her human spirit.