"you have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. what you'll discover will be wonderful. what you'll sidcover will be your yourself."

alan alda (can't believe a man wrote that!)

follow your heart

"follow your heart, not your head" my superwise, conservative 87 year old grandma wrote to me last week.

'follow your heart'...does she have any idea how dangerous this advise is?? my heart is mysteriously risky. it seems to be lacking all the self protetive safety mechanisms programmed nicely into my brain.

my brains sees a hungry child and thinks of the total financial cost of ending global poverty.
my brian see a lonely neighbour and reminds me of how busy and tired i am.
my brain sees a dirty earth and says 'you are only one person. what can you do'
my brain sees the refugees and says 'they're probably bludgers or terrorists anyway. not your problem.'

my brain looks after me. he keeps me safe, warm and comfortable. my brain ensures a healthy superannuation package.

but my heart?? who knows what my heart will do??

my heart sees a hungry child and cries 'feed her'
my heart sees a lonely neighbour and whispers 'chat'
my heart sees a dirty earth and says 'clean it'
my heart sees an innocent sister in prison and screams 'free her'

i know my heart and i can not trust her to keep me safe, warm and comfortable. she is a perilous and risky guide and i have no idea where she will take me. she does not care about my superannuation package, she cares only for the heart of god.
charlie

arrrgh...slowly coming back to life. the glass is now both half full and half empty. had a good run, a good chat and a good laugh last night. one week since the girls left... maybe two thirds empty, one third full? -charlie

bike ride

had a fantasitic, angry and passionate conversation with hubby last night. we are so sick of talking, theorising, imagining. there is such a huge gap between the values of Christ (and therefore the values of a disciple) and the values that are shown in our daily lifestyle. there are so many inconsistencies in what we believe and in what we do. last night i swung between hanging my head in shame and banging the wall in frustration.

this morning i woke up, the frustration and conviction of the night before still burning in my spirit. i took one more baby step in the right direction.

i rode my bike to school. i actually acted out some of the values i've found myself talking about of late

including

*caring for the environment
*caring for my temple (without wasting god's money at the gym)
*not caring about what i look like (the no make-up flat hair image seriously made me question who's approval i was after)

i feel like a slightly more authentic human being today than i did yesterday, breathe... - charlie

there are so many inconsistencies in my life. i think i'm just gonna shut up and listen for a while. god dosn't seem to fit into words anyway... -charlie

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side ofthe oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."

Bishop Desmond Tutu

(thanks matt)

one more txt

'without the dark clouds, the sunset wouldn't be as brilliant. '

dark clouds

...big sigh. the girls have gone. end of day one.

saw grandma this morning. she told me to follow my heart not my head. kind of scary. kind of fun.

had a surf this avo and didn't sink. dark clouds covered the sky but the water was still crystal clear when the sunlight broke through. didn't care if i got hurt today. kind off scary. kind of fun.

watched the lightning tonight. kind off scary. kind of sad. had a bit of a cry coz i miss my two best friends.

end of day one.

i'm looking up at the surface of the ocean metres above my head. daylight twinkles. the sun looks warm. i remember needing air. darkness below, light above. i look to the light. i'm still, suspended between worlds. i remember needing air. now there's just a calmness in my lungs. a deathly calmness.

tomorrow morning a plane flies away. it takes with it so much of my joy, my laughter, my inspiration, my two best friends. i let go. i sink.

nighty night

before i tuck myself in to my super snuggly bed i pause for a moment.
i stop and i think.
i let my awareness travel to my christian sisters around the globe.
their bodies lay on the same earth upon which my feet rest.
to those who are hungry, Lord, please, bring food
to those who are cold, Lord, please bring warmth
to those who's children are sick, Lord bring miracles
to those who's babies will die tonight, Lord bring mercy

thank-you for my pillow
amen

lifehouse

you know how every now and then you find a song that expresses exacly where your at...well this happened to me last week.

Hanging By A Moment By Lifehouse

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
closer to where i started chasing after to you
i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held on to
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
i don't know what i'm diving into
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

there is nothing else to lose there is nothing else to find
there is nothing in the world that could make me change my mind
there is nothing else

forgetting all i'm lacking completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation if you'll take all of me

this song stops me in make tracks and faith rises up within my spirit. i'm desperate for changing, i'm starving for truth. i'm falling even more in love with god. i'm letting go of all i've held onto. i have finally realised there is nothing worth chasing except christ. i've had this weird obsessive addiction to reading the bible this last week. i just can't get enough. i think i'm turning into a bit of a freak - charlie

poem

hubbies at work and i just found this old poem he wrote...God, my husbands amazing...

The power of a lost sun
with the making of a new
a silent end beginning
to shake the spirit through
loving all is pure
the alpha of it all
what lived here when we started
remains throughout our fall.
In loving of the living
In breathing it we do
lost not on lifeless gestures
what matters is it's true.

sharing

i wonder what our lifestyles would look like if all the christians on earth shared their wealth equally?

thoughts on gratitude

"to complain that i could only be married once was like complaining that i had only been born once....it shows not an exaggerated sensibility to sex, but a curious insensibility to it.....polygamy is a lack of the realisation of sex; it is like a man plucking five pears in a mere absence of mind." - chesterton

"the proper form of thanks is some form of humility and restraint: we should thank god for beer and burgundy by not drinking to much of them" chesterton

"as ecclesiastes tells if, a wholesale devotion to pleasure will, paradoxically, lead to a state of utter despair." yancey

"true happiness can not be achieved when it is in itself the goal. it can come as a biproduct on the way to something else." -me

so who enjoys the apple more? the one who carelessly eats knowing there are twenty more in the cupboard or the one who eats, saviouring every bite, because this is his only food for the day?
charlie

rebel: one who refuses allegiance to, resist, or rises in arms against the established ruler

rebelliouness....as a school teacher it's my mortal enemy. when will they learn to comply? when will they learn obedience? when will they realise that i am just trying to help them. if they would just conform... why do they refuse so stubbornly to fit the system?

but if i had a kid of my own would i want them conforming to people they engage with?

and why do i rebel? why do i push? i swirm? i just don't let myself fit? i get mad at people who love me? i resist.

i've betten myself up about this over the years. i knew i was a bit screwed up and figured that's why i was rebellious. i always associated rebellion with sin and presumed that once i was a mature christian grown-up god would relieve me of my rebellious spirit.

my thinking has changed.

jesus christ was the biggest rebel the world has ever seen. and there is still so much crap going on that needs rebelling against.
to be a christian is to be a rebel. i've just got to decide to what will i rebel. - charlie

'do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world. hate what is evil' (paul in romans) do any of you bible scholas out there know what paul meant by 'hate'. was it an emotion or an action?

The Diggels

Once upon a time in a land far, far away was the kingdom Thear. The people of Thear were called Diggels. Diggels grew magic beans which made them healthy and strong. Diggels did not need to eat or drink, all they needed were their magic beans. As long as every Diggel got five magic beans a day they would be happy and healthy. Thear was a beautiful and abundant kingdom and there were plenty of magic beans for everyone. Diggels spent their days caring for their kingdom and growing their magic beans. Most Diggels could eat 10 or 11 magic beans everyday. The Diggels took pride in their manners and in being nice Diggels.

Then, one summer’s night, a terrible fire raged through the southern half of the kingdom. Fields upon fields of beans were swept a blaze. Diggels ran through the field’s desperately trying to extinguish the fires. As they ran their skin was burnt. They fought the fire all night long but it was no use. Most of the crops in the southern half of the kingdom had been destroyed.

The next morning the sad, burnt and hungry Diggels gathered together.
“We must send for help” they decided.
A group of ten men Diggels set of to the northern half of the kingdom to ask for beans.

When they arrived they were surprised to find a fence erected dividing the kingdom, north from south.
“Strange” said the men Diggels to one another. “Perhaps they erected the fence to stop the fire.”

The Diggels called out beyond the fence for help. “Please, we need magic beans. Our wives children are becoming sick.”

A young woman Diggel heard them. She saw their burnt skin and scrunched up her nose.

“Please,” the Diggels begged her “Run and find help. Our need is urgent”

The girl ran of to ask her father.

The ten Diggels waited at the fence. They could see all the amazing things magic beans were being used for in the northern half of the kingdom. They weren’t just used food anymore. Diggels used them to make artworks and adorn their clothes. They crushed them to make their houses smell nice.

The girl found her father. “Daddy, some men have come. They want some magic beans.”
“I’m sorry” said the daddy Diggel. “We have no beans to share. We need at least ten beans each for food and your mother needs three a day for her artwork.”

The daddy Diggel looked down with fondness at his daughter. He did not want to teach her selfishness.

“Perhaps I can give just one.” He handed her one bean.

The girl Diggel ran back to the fence with the one bean.

The ten Diggels were a little confused. They seemed to be so many beans in the northern half of the kingdom. They turned and began the long work home.

Months past and the kingdom continued. The Diggels of the north consumed about twenty magic beans each every day. The Diggels of the south about three. Many Diggles in the south grew sick, skinny and died. Some Diggels in the north would send a handful of magic beans down each week to help. These northern Diggels rejoiced in how kind and generous they were whilst admiring their beautiful magic bean artworks.

THE END

saying grace

about to eat breakfast…I stop and pause for a moment. I let my awareness focus for a second on the pear cut up on the plate in front of me. It is crystal white on the inside. I imagine the taste. I then let my awareness wonder to all my sisters on earth who because of poverty will not eat breakfast this morning. I say a prayer for them and their children. I give thanks for my pear. I eat.

life is either very very simple or very very complicated. just depends on how you look at it. -charlie

alive

ever wondered if some people are more alive than others?

some people laugh more, they cry more, they love more, they hate more, they repent more, they screw up more, they care more, they get burnt more, they play more, they fight more

and some people play it safe.

mum's got this quote on her fridge

'care more than others think is wise,
risk more than others think is safe,
dream more than others think is practical.'

bust free

-charlie