Birth Recount One

Verse one

River flows over me

Calm, warm and strong

I rest in my lover’s arms

Strong and still

Strong and still

I look up from the river, across the grass and into the trees

The lion is waiting, calmly watching from afar

Its giant paws tread softly on the grass

Verse two

I kneel in the river. I look up. The lion is distant.

The lion and eye make I contact. My soul quakes.

I crawl towards him.

Right arm forward, left knee forward.

He mirrors me.

Left paw forward, right paw forward.

I stop. He stops.

With trepidation I move again.

Left arm forward, right knee.

Right paw, left paw.

He mirrors me.

The distance is closing.

Desperately I wish to turn away, but am captivated be his gaze.

I am drawn forward. My body crawls on without my permission. God be with me.

I imagine the talons in those paws, the teeth in that mouth. I shudder.

But when I look all I see is deep golden eyes.

The distance is closing.

And still the lion mirrors my every move forward.

Ten metres. The grass is soft beneath us.

Seven metres. I am terrified. God, give me courage.

Four metres. Stop, I plead, but my body ignores me. God give me strength.

Two metres. Stop, I beg. My head drops and I crumble in tears. But my body crawls on, inch by inch. I am helpless. I am lost. God…

I close my eyes and go to another place.

God meets me.

In his beautiful hands he carries a burning rod of fierce courage.

One metre

‘God I need courage’ I ignore what he carries. I can not handle it.

Without speaking he reminds me that courage and fierceness are one the same. One the same.

Half a metre. I am petrified.

‘God I need courage!’ I scream at him.

Quarter metre.

Nose to nose

I close my eyes in silent fear. God’s hand moves towards me, my fear is only matched by desperation. I plead for what he holds. He reaches into my soul.

I wince and curl in pain as I feel the light of courage, first in the depths of my body then through my every single cell. Fierce strength pulsates through my veins.

I gulp and eyes wide open. I stare eye ball to eye ball at the lion and I realise… that.. the lion is me.

The lion is me.

The strength, the power, the energy, the intensity of which I was so afraid, is me. It is my body, it is my soul, it is my emotion.

The lion walks onward. Giant paws on soft grass. Fierce courage pulsating through it’s veins. The lion is not afraid. Each contraction brings only new depth to it’s growl.

Verse Three

I come back to my lover.

I am human again, but somehow altered

I look in his eyes and laugh at the pain to show him I’m OK.

His love and God’s love is all around me, is all I know.

I cannot speak but with my eyes I smile, “You have got to be kidding me!” Who on earth came up with this plan?!

I say it to him and I say it to my saviour as if they are one the same.

As if they are one.

And then with the final push, my wrecked, wrinkled and empty body gushes open

And my daughter is born

My daughter is born

Time stands still

For 45 minutes I am overcome with the bliss of feeling her human spirit.