journal

you should feel very priviledged because you are about to read carefully choosen exerts from my private journal.

august 04 (current life description- working approx 50 hours a week, attending church approx 3 times a week plus small groups, failing in attempts to get to know neighbours, often sick with colds and sore throuts, failing in attepts to have a 'quiet time' everyday)

"i'm sick of swinging between stressing about pathetic details (fast pace) and being bored and depressed (slowing down). i can't believe some people live like that for years - thinking that's life. god - i want to be alive, more than i am now. i feel you made me for something different. do i even know faith? i'm so self sufficient, self protective. - and so dependent on the system (money, infrastructure etc). i feel so chained. imagine being so free you could give your last apple away...

september 4 04
dear lord, your very name crumbles my heart. i write through tears. you are my life. without you death, boredom, dullness, nothing.
o god - i want life to the full, please help me find life to the full - i'm so bored.

september 6 04
as i wake i feel a new connection with all my sisters on earth - what do you want me to do with that.

courage? is that my favourite thing?

september 7 04
with all our knowledge and eduation how did we become so insula? how can we think our reality is normal? why do we think we need so much? how did we become so trapped? there are false gods and idols all over the place. in our pursuit for 'freedom' (control) we have become so bound. do we even know faith when we run around all day trying to look after ourselves - making sure we have enough - fulfilling our need to be 'comfortable' - making sure our kids will be 'comfortable'. i'm not sure i want my kids to be comfortable - i want my kids to be couragous. being comfortable makes me feel stuffy, useless, smothered. i wonder what being courageous feels like - i've only had a taste

god - what is this that you have placed in my heart. i want to burst - i feel so contained, so small. god, set me free."

enough for now - charlie